Attitudes - A Rant.

Dictionary.com

attitude 

(noun)

1. manner, disposition, feeling, position, etc., with regard to a person or thing; tendency or orientation, especially of the mind: a negative attitude; group attitudes.
2. position or posture of the body appropriate to or expressive of an action, emotion, etc.: a threatening attitude; a relaxed attitude.

Got into another argument this week with my partner about his attitude; we have had a few like this. As always it was difficult to explain to him why I have a problem with his demeanour and  how he expresses it. Like many others he fails to see how expressing his opinions and thoughts in the manner he does can be insulting and hurtful to others.

Usually my issue is not really what he says, although that can be a problem too, it is how he expresses his thought. The tone of his voice and the attitude behind it are what irritate me. When you combine it with some of the negative wording that is used it is even worse. Derogatory, demeaning, stereotyping, borderline racism, discriminating are just a few of the words that come to mind when I hear him say certain things. I find it so frustrating when I try to explain and he doesn't see it.

He doesn't give credence to how he is perceived by others.  He figures he can say what he wants because he is entitled to his opinions and has the right to express it and this particular sentiment is something I do believe in. I know from experience that you cannot blurt out just anything that crosses your mind because you feel like enacting your 'rights' to free speech and expression. It is all about how you express. Your tone of voice, your body language, the attitude underlying your comments all affect how it is perceived. If you do it the right way people will not lambaste you for speaking your mind. They may not agree but they will respect it.

Part of the problem that I see is his belief that he is entitled to anything he wants. The way he comes across to me (and a few others he has talked to) is that he feels just because he is who he is, he has earned the right to what he wants plus the "when & how" of it. It seems to be a part of his "Me, Me, Me" bias. I strongly disagree. I feel that you must earn it every step of the way. At 27 he believes that he has already earned it. I am 42 and I feel that I am still earning it. It is a life long endeavour. Just because you have gone through certain things in your life does not mean you get what you want. You have have prove yourself worthy by working for it.  

That is how I was raised, obviously he received different life lessons as he grew up.

Our argument left us both tense and angry. We went out to a movie with a friend and were able to put things aside for a bit... but... we started up again afterwards. We went over things more than once and didn't resolve anything. Many of our arguments tend to end up with us walking away from it to cool off. The apologizing comes later usually with him starting. I tend to hold the grudge and my apology takes a bit longer. Am working on that part. 

Sometimes I wonder if our age difference is a factor. Not really about the 15 year gap but the generational one. By the time I was out in the world as a adult learning my way around he was still in the backyard playing with his Tonka toys without any cares beyond the moment. Between his coming of age period and mine the world has changed in many ways and so have the mindsets. Unfortunately not for the better in my opinion. It does seem as if many of his generation have this kind of attitude. It is especially prevalent with those that had it easy and were raised in a privileged kind of environment or were fortunate that many things just naturally went their way. My partner seems to be one of the latter ones. I was not so fortunate. (My mom was a single mother on welfare raising two kids and I was the oldest, the man of the house)

All of these moments are just bumps along the road of our lives together. Since we have moved in together there have been many bumps. It isn't easy and this will be a relationship that will need to be worked on at times. In between these moments our relationship is pretty easy breezy and that is very encouraging. We do not argue daily or even weekly. It seems to average out to once/twice a month. I think I need to find effective ways of showing how to do things without being perceived in a negative manner and he will need to be more aware of his actions in the process. I am not saying I don't make mistakes like this; I am definitely not perfect. The difference is that I have experience in this area and have learnt from my mistakes. I believe he can learn from me providing he listens... but that is another issue.

I figure we are doing well. I think in the end we need to find a better understanding of one another. It will come in time I feel. Just wish it was sooner than later! Be patient Robert, be patient.