My "Coming Out" story.

For those of you that know me, I am a gay man. For those of you that didn’t know, well now you do! I am comfortable with identifying as gay and sharing it with others in my life. When I was 20 years old I decided that I needed to be true to myself and I came out of the closet without ever looking back. There was no way I was going allow myself to hide from my personal truth again. In the process I was fortunate in many ways.  I realized quickly that the friends I wanted around me were the ones who accepted me right away without any trouble. The friends that said good bye were doing me a favour by removing themselves from my life.

Of course it didn’t all happen at once. It took years to get to the point where I was ready to come out. And it took me years to achieve complete comfort within my own skin.

Some background that lead me to that point…

You see, when I was 13 years old I knew I liked the boys. I even had my first sexual encounter with another boy when I was about 14. I had already lost my virginity with the girls before that and it all felt good to me but it was the boys that turned my crank more.  So as I got older I found that the attraction to the boys was becoming my focus. When I was 16 my interest was only the boys but it wasn’t until I was 18 years old that I started to figure it out what it all meant to me.

When I was 16 years old we moved to Vernon BC. My first summer there I met a rather hot looking young man. He was 3 years older and our mothers became good friends. He was blonde, self assured and had the nicest legs. It was those legs that really drew my attention. It wasn’t until I was 18 though that him and I made any kind of move towards each other. Before then I was too scared to do more than just sneaks peeks at him.

On the night that I came out I went with a friend New Years Eve party in Kelowna. It was a fun night. It was then and there that I realized the full truth and made the decision to be honest with myself and everyone else. I even met my first boyfriend there. We didn’t start dating until a couple weeks later.  

After that New Years Eve night where I had my personal epiphany things progressed pretty fast. One of the first people I told was my mother and she was the only one that really made it difficult for me.

I was a bit of a momma’s boy growing up, therefore I felt a strong responsibility to be open and honest with my mother even though deep down I knew she would not be okay with things. Growing up my mother was a divorced single woman that worked hard to support her two children and when she had some free time she would enjoy it to the maximum. She was a very fun loving mother in the early years. Later on during her second marriage things changed. My mother had a nervous breakdown and her solution to her emotional/mental turmoil was the discovery of her faith in Christ. From that point on my mother wasn’t the same fun loving person that would’ve understood and accepted me for me. She became a judgmental, close minded individual who never truly understood or accepted anyone unless they shared the same faith as her. So when I came out of the closet she judged me and disowned me.

I remember taking her to our favorite buffet restaurant for lunch. We shared a nice lunch together and afterwards I told her that I was gay and wanted three things from her. I wanted (1) her love, (2) her respect and (3) her acceptance. In response she said to me (1) you have my love for you are my son and a child of God and all God’s children deserve love, (2) you have my respect as you have earned it through your actions and honesty with me, (3) but you do not have my acceptance. I cannot accept the lifestyle you have ‘chosen’ to live and as such you are no longer welcome in my home and I will no longer feel welcome in yours. Lunch was over and I almost thought my life was as well.

In the 10yrs that followed I saw/spoke to my mother less than a half dozen times and always at her convenience. It hurt. It hurt a lot. Here was the one person that had always been there for me during everything. How could a mother and woman of God cast aside the blood of her blood, flesh of her flesh, her eldest child? Someone she even claimed she loved and respected because he was worthy of it. In the end it came down to the fact that her faith was everything to her and nothing and no one mattered in comparison. Up to this point my feelings on faith and religion were positive ones but after that I had serious issues with God and religion. (More of my thoughts on God and religion in a future blog)

I took solace in the fact that many other people I cherished in my life still cherished me. My brother and dearest friend at the time (my sister of the heart) both accepted, respected and loved me more because I was open and honest with them and myself. To this day my relationships with the two of them are as strong as could be. My sister (of the heart) is a woman of faith and like my mother she discovered her faith later in life. My sister showed me how a person of faith should act towards others and thanks to her my thoughts on God and religion took on a more positive note once again. She showed me the love and acceptance that all should have for one another regardless of who/what you are.

So in the 10yr after the fall-out with my mother I rediscovered myself. I learned that I could stand on my own that I truly didn’t need anyone, I could could be my own complete person. Over those years I took my time and slowly told the rest of my family. The only other one that had some problems was my father’s elder sister but she came around quickly with the help of her daughter who supported me whole heartedly. Ten years after last seeing my mother she contacted me and wanted to reconnect. She was going through something and wanted to see her sons. The reunion was a nice one. I had realized that although I had missed my mother, I could live without her. I still loved her but also discovered that I really didn’t like her. Our reunion was brief. There was a little bit of drama between her and my brother; they had issues of their own between them. And since that reunion I have not heard from my mother. Something happened that caused her to disown the whole family and many years later none of us know where she is or if she is still alive.

In the end all was good for me. My life is great. I have relatives who love and support me, friends that cherish me and a family of the heart that combines all of them together. I didn’t know it then but I was lucky. It got better for me after the shaky start. I came out of the closet willing to fight for my freedom, had a couple knock downs but I got up and kept fighting and it got better. To this day I am still fighting the good fight as there are others out there that need help.

Victoria Pride 2009

So THANK YOU to all those in my life that helped me get to this point. Each of know who you are. I LOVE YOU!