Arguments & a 4-letter word.

I hate arguments! Really really hate them. And when I say "I hate it", that truly means something.


I am by nature an optimistic upbeat person. I am always able to find the positive angle, the upside to it all, the silver lining. I don't hate anything. I may 'dislike it' or 'not agree with it' but I don't hate it. It just isn't in my nature to hate anything or anyone. To me "Hate" is a four letter word. And I don't swear either, or at least not often and not very well. It is just against my nature to do so. In order for me to do that I have to have an intense desire to express myself in that extreme manner. I will go out of my way to not swear or I will avoid situations that would put me in the line of fire that could lead to arguments and multiple 4-lettered words. I find it easier to just keep my mouth shut instead of getting into such situations. Some of this can also be attributed to the pacifist part of my nature and that fact that I am not good at arguing.


With arguments it isn't so much the disagreement, being right or wrong, the words being said, the tone used or the actual fighting part. What truly bothers me is the emotional anguish inherent in it. I find that strong emotions hurt, physically hurt.


One of the earliest arguments I can remember having was back at the age of 13. I was having a verbal sparing match with my mother. We were screaming a the top of our lungs at each other. I remember saying some very hurtful things to her, about her and every one else in the room. At thirteen I was just coming in to the teenage hormonal period and my emotions were running high at that moment. My mother being who she was, wasn't going to let me get away with anything so she confronted me on a few things. Kids at any age always feel justified in what they are doing. They just don't reason like adults and I had yet learned to do that. I didn't like my 'justified actions' being questioned. We screamed back and forth for about 15 minutes and at the end of it everyone was upset or angry, crying or out right balling their eyes out; I was one of the latter. I wasn't overly upset that I was caught doing what I did or that my mother was telling me to smarten up and that led to an argument, I was upset and crying a river because of the extreme emotions that I was feeling and the emotions in the room.


Intensely strong emotions have always bothered and scared me. I find them uncontrollable and hard to deal with. I like my emotions under control and easy for me to figure out. This goes for most emotions, even at times the positive ones. Although if it is the positive emotions like 'Joy' or 'Love' then I will give in to them and allow myself to be carried away. Until they become too much then I pull back and slowly bring it under control. No one truly likes to be completely overwhelmed even in a good way.

When I argue I find it hard to be logical and factual. If I could be I would probably be better at it and feel like I would actually win one. I don't have the greatest memory at times and during an argument my memory is absolute crap so it is hard to be logical and factual when you are trying to justify something and you can't remember anything that would support your position. It doesn't help that I am an emotional arguer. My emotions come out strong, logic and facts go out the window and I start to say things that are unnecessary and at times hurtful. It isn't because I truly want to hurt the other person, it is because when my emotions come out so strong it hurts me and the only way to alleviate my pain is to push it onto someone else. This is not a good thing. It is one of the negative actions that I am capable of doing. It doesn't make me a bad person except in that moment. This is part of the reason why I hate arguing. It brings out the worse in me. 

Another reason I truly do not like to argue is that I tend to hold a grudge. Something else I am not proud of. I have a hard time letting go of the ill will or resentment I end up feeling from the argument. I have this bad habit of holding it all in and letting it 'stew' for a bit. Sometimes this leads to another argument or as per usual I end up being mad at the person for hours or even days. I consider myself fortunate that I am aware of this behaviour within me. I have worked hard through out my life to minimize this or outright eliminate it. It isn't easy and I fail about as much as I succeed. I have noticed lately that I have been succeeding more than failing and that is a good thing.


Not too long ago my boyfriend and I had a silly argument. I was not in the best of moods. I think I was tired and irritated. He said something that I didn't like. It wasn't really what he said but how he said it. I didn't like the tone. So I told him that he needed to be more aware of how he says things as it can be misunderstood easily and you could upset or anger someone. He didn't care. His position was that he would say what he says however he wanted to. I thought he was being very immature and told him so.  This sparked the argument. I am not saying I was right or wrong and I probably could have dealt with it better or at another time when I was in a better mood. But...that is something I will have to work on. Anyway it led to the argument and we both got emotionally riled up and shouted at one another saying a few nasty things back and forth. Eventually it ended and we both went to separate rooms to cool down. Twenty minutes later he came to me and apologized.

In that moment the 'grudge monster' started to rear it ugly head and I didn't want to accept his apology or even offer one in return. The 'grudge monster' is totally an immature creature and it doesn't like it when you do the mature thing. In the seconds before I responded to him I had an internal debate/fight with my monster. I am happy to saw that the monster lost that day. I apologized and we had a nice calm reasonable discussion of why I was bothered by it and why I reacted as I did. He showed great understanding and agreed that he could have said things better and that he would try and be more aware of how he speaks and what he says sometimes. It ended on a positive note with some kisses & cuddling and a happy home. This is one of those times when an argument can have a good ending. 

Hate is such a strong word and for me it equates to any of the foul 4-letter words out there. In this instance though it is an accurate description of my feelings for arguments. I am getting better with them as time goes on but I still avoid them like you would avoid stepping on dog crap with your best shoes on. Not nice and definitely not pretty. I just need to fine tune my ability to have rational discussions to make my point and have others understand me. Then it will all be good and the bad arguments will be few and far apart.

A little moral to attach to this topic: 
Arguments aren't always a bad thing. They can help you discuss what is on your mind when it needs to be talked about. A good argument is merely a vessel to discuss something in which you don't necessarily agree with the other person. It is only when it gets out of control and you start getting nasty that you need to end it there. If you can walk away from an argument feeling like you were heard and understood and can say to yourself you heard and understood the other person then it can be said you had a successful argument.
If it dissolves into a fighting match then walk away as quick as you can and come back to the situation later once you are willing to be a better person and apologize for your actions.  If the other person can't do the same then try again another time but know that you were at least willing to be mature and show your better nature. 


When we are angry we are blind to reality. Anger may bring us a temporary burst of energy, but that energy is blind and it blocks the part of our brain that distinguishes right from wrong. To deal with our problems, we need to be practical and realistic. If we are to be realistic, we need to use our human intelligence properly, which means we need a calm mind. ~Dalai Lama ~